soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
whose parrot is this?
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize