My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
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