I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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