I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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