I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize