Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
