My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
