I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
