You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
