Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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