I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
