And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
