I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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