She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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