and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
