Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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