I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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