I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
