I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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