I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
