Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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