I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize