onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
