I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Randomize
