There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
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