2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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