I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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