Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
