my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
