fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize