Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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