Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Randomize