I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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