direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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