She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
