The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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