I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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