Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You need Xanax blowdarts
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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