susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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