I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
