If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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