Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
