Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
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