I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
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