the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
