How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
