Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize