this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
