Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
