Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
