I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Randomize
