Please, let me fuck your mom
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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