lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
