my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
