i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
