That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
