I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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