someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
