I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
