i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
