just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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