So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
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