On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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