is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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