I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
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